Friday, 10 August 2012

10 Easy Steps

I realize that some of you might be wondering how it is that someone would go about becoming a famous actor. Well, I have comprised a guide for any ambitious individual to follow.

How to become a famous actor in  10 easy* steps:

1. Be talented

Do you really think everyone in Hollywood is actually talented? I realize that I put this as first on my list-- BUT let me explain to you that if you are not talented in acting, Don't Worry! It is not about talent (don't let those training programs fool you).

Megan Fox

All that really matters is that you are good looking and if you aren't...well...use your "training money" to enhance your beauty instead.

2. Move to L.A

It's pretty much the only place to be if you're anybody (and you are somebody).

3. Be popular

Hellooooo! Connections, connections, connections. Come on people-- if you don't get invited to the best parties and start meeting the big directors and actors, how do you expect to land your first role and become a star?

4. Be Rich

Obviously. How do you expect to be able to pay for your L.A mansion while becoming an actor and pretending to take classes while really just partying and sleeping in late? It's hard to be you, so make sure you have some mullah to help you out a little!
5. Get an Agent

Unless it is an open call audition, there is no way you are getting in those doors without one of these, so start doing some research and find out who it is who takes care of all of the stars. That is who you want to be with. And don't worry-- just because you have nothing on your résumé does not mean that you can't bribe them to get in the door and then again to be your agent-- I mean you are already wealthy. And Remember you are beautiful! You may not have started out that way-- but your past does not matter, what matters is that you are now. 

6. Get Head shots

Again-- find the best, pay the most, and look fabulous. This is what gets you the audition. 

7. Land a role on a major motion picture on your first try

It has, and can be done-- when you are that beautiful (*cough talented cough*) anything is possible. I mean just look at what's her face from True Grit. She's pretty famous and she had done nothing before that!  

True Grit Girl

 Plus she was up for an academy award from her first role-- and you, you are way better and there is no doubt that you too could be nominated and actually win an Oscar for your performance.

8. Get another role because you were so great in the first one

Screw auditioning-- you've already done one and because you are incredible you will no longer have to audition for anything ever again. Trust me, the offers will be rolling in and when you say 'I want that role' no one will make you read for the part because you are great and you deserve it. Instead of getting headshots done people will be paying  to take a picture of you, and your agent will be so pleased that you practically harassed him to take you on as a client because now he has dropped everyone else just to focus on you!

9. Marry Tom Cruise before your career is over

So what if he is gay?! You are not in this for the love, you are in this for the fame and the money so who better to get with then Tom? And he is single now, so you won't have to break up a marriage (even better), unlike getting with Brad (although who really knows what's going on there) . I just hope you can stand his religious views.  

And if you're not sure exactly what the background of scientology is-- just watch South Park Season 9 episode 12 and that should clear it all up for you. Hey, perhaps you will find that you too are a Scientologist.

10. Live happily ever after

So you are rich, famous and married to a major movie star what more could you ask for? You have done a few films, but now it is time to relax, retire and buy a few houses around the world. But remember me when you are rich and famous.

*These steps may or may not be easy...or plausible in any way shape or form if you are not already born into this situation.

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